I‘m reading a great book at the moment, which has got me thinking a lot about my friendships. It’s called The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. This passage in particular stopped me in my tracks…
There are three factors that I believe make great friendships possible: proximity, timing, and energy. These pillars are the invisible foundation every friendship is built on. When friends drift away, fall apart, or lose touch, it is because one or more of these three essential pillars is missing. Most of the time adult friendships fade not for personal reasons, but because of these three pillars: proximity, timing, and energy. Understanding the role these three factors play will help you use the Let Them Theory to be more flexible, understanding, and proactive in your adult friendships.
It made me think about friendships that I’ve lost over the years. No one did anything wrong. There was no exposive argument. I didn’t stop caring about them. But we still lost touch.
Think about the people you've lost touch with over the years. How many of them did you consciously decide to remove from your life?
It’s probably very few (if any). But if you think about it, there are probably several people you genuinely care about who you haven't spoken to in months. Maybe even years!
When we find ourselves in this situation, it is easy to blame ourselves or assume that this only happens to us. In reality, friendship drift is incredibly common.
The May 2021 American Perspectives Survey found that 47% of Americans reported having lost touch with at least a few friends over the previous 12 months. I’ve also written previously that we reach “peak friendships” around age 25, after which our circle of friends gradually shrinks.
So, this is clearly a problem that affects lots of us. Let’s dig into those three factors (proximity, timing, and energy) highlighted by Mel Robbins in a bit more detail.
When we're young, friendships are built into our environment. Our childhood friendships were built on shared circumstances, and it seems like opportunities to make friends and hang out with the friends we already have are everywhere.
But as we get older, people move away and our friendship groups fragment. In simple terms, your friends just aren’t around you as much anymore. Because of this, it takes more conscious effort and commitment to spend time with the people we care about.
We all go through different stages of life where our focus, priorities and needs change. Sometimes you find yourself out of sync with your friends. Maybe they've all gone to University, whilst you're starting out in your career. Maybe they're all settling down with a marriage and kids, whilst you're still enjoying a more care-free existence. As with most areas of life, timing is key to your friendships.
I have multiple people in my life who have ebbed and flowed in and out as we move through different life stages. If your timing isn't quite right at the moment, there's nothing to say that can't (or won't) change in the future.
This one has become a big driver of change in my friendships. You know that feeling where it dawns on you that all the energy in your friendship is coming from you. You're the one who always reaches out, arranges the get-togethers, remembers the important dates.
If this is you, you know how tough it can feel to be in this situation. The friendship feels one-sided and unequal (in my experience, these are also often the people who only want to talk about themselves and their news when you meet up).
An interesting question to ask yourself might be, “What would happen to this friendship if I let them be the one to reach out for once?”
The friendship isn't over. Your feelings for them haven't changed. You're just choosing to divert that energy elsewhere.
The most important thing to remember is that losing touch with friends is an inevitable part of life. It takes care, time and attention to nurture the friendships that matter the most to you. I wrote previously about the art of forging long-lasting friendships.
One of the most frustrating things about friendship drift is that it can create its own momentum. The longer you leave it, the harder it feels to reconnect. So you wait a bit longer, and then it feels even harder to get in touch. But the irony is that people appreciate being contacted far more than we expect.
Most friendships don't end with a dramatic falling out. They simply get buried under busy calendars, changing priorities, school runs, work deadlines, house moves, and all the other demands of adult life.
Maintaining friendships isn't really about finding more time. It's about being more intentional with the time you already have.
You don't need to speak to every friend every week. You don't need grand gestures or elaborate plans. Often, all it takes is a quick message, a phone call on the drive home, or taking five minutes to check in with someone you've been thinking about.
Some friendships will naturally fade, and that's okay. Not every friendship is meant to last forever. But there are probably a handful of people in your life right now who you'd be genuinely sad to lose touch with completely.
Think about who those people are. When was the last time you spoke to them? If it's been longer than you'd like, why drop them a line today?
The reality is that proximity, timing and energy will always influence our friendships. We can't control where people live, what stage of life they're in, or how much they have going on.
What we can control is whether or not we make the effort to stay connected.
The friendships that matter most rarely disappear overnight. They drift gradually. Sometimes, all it takes to stop the drift is one phone call.
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