Making friends used to feel effortless. Our childhood friendships were built on shared circumstances, experiences and play. But as you get older, meeting new people can feel difficult, and keeping the friendships you have can feel even harder.
The YouGov Friendship Study found that 51% of Brits struggle to make new friends, and a significant number feel their social circles are shrinking over time. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Making and maintaining friendships is a universal challenge.
Let’s explore why this happens and what you can do to build stronger, more meaningful friendships.
There are a few common reasons that make it hard to make friends. They are universal and incredibly normal.
When we are young, life is surrounded by ready-made social environments. We go to school, we socialise and making friends feels easy. As we age, our work schedules, family commitments and responsibilities dominate our days. Opportunities to meet new people seem to disappear overnight.
People move cities for work, relationships, or affordability. Others may become parents or carers, and their time priorities shift. Each life transition naturally rearranges friendships.
Even a person who, on the surface, seems confident and worry-free has fears of being judged, rejected, or misunderstood, which can make initiating new friendships or investing time in burgeoning friendships feel risky.
In the modern age, it is much easier to “like” a social media update or fire off a quick surface-level message than invest time in a meaningful conversation. Digital communication channels can give the illusion of connection without any of the emotional benefits.
It is easy to assume that your friendships will look after themselves and be maintained simply by the history of your shared connection. The truth is that building strong friendships takes intention, consistency, and effort.
If you feel like your friendship skills have declined and you’re out of practice, rest assured: it’s not just you that’s to blame. The structure of the modern world makes it increasingly difficult.
If you have noticed yourself feeling any of the below, you may be stuck in a friendship gap:
You find yourself wondering who to call in a crisis or if you’re feeling low.
You feel like your social circle has shrunk, but you don’t know what to do about it.
You have gone months without having a deep conversation with at least one friend.
You want to make new friends or pursue a new friendship, but you don’t know where to start.
You feel nostalgic for the social life and friendships you had when things felt a little easier.
These feelings and experiences are all common. And fixable!
Building and maintaining friendships doesn’t require a personality overhaul or gargantuan effort. It requires small, repeatable behaviours that strengthen trust and connection and can build into a healthy friendship habit.
Here are some top tips to get you started.
Someone has to go first. It might as well be you! Bite the bullet and make that call, send that message and arrange that meet-up.
Research from the American Psychological Association shows they'll appreciate you reaching out more than you think! Most people want more connection; they’re just waiting for a sign.
Building the habit of staying in touch makes it easier to pick up the phone and talk to those who matter the most. Research from University College London shows that forming a new habit takes an average of 66 days. Maintaining a habit comes from making small, consistent actions you repeat over time.
By making connection a habit, you can turn “Let's catch up soon” into something that actually happens.
Friendships fade due to a lack of follow-up. You need to invest time and effort into friendships to strengthen and maintain them.
Did you know:
It takes 45 hours of quality time to move an acquaintance to a friend.
And another 50 hours (over three months) to move from a casual to a good friend.
To become a best friend, you need to invest another 100 hours of quality time.
Investing in your friendships will bring you closer, so make a note to reach out with consistency.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of small talk and never explore past surface-level chat. If you’re catching up with someone you haven’t seen in a while, or don’t know that well (yet), come prepared with some deeper questions. For example:
“What are you excited about lately?”
“How are you really doing?”
“What’s been the highlight of your month?”
“What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?”
Going deeper helps to build a connection.
As I mentioned earlier, reaching out to people can be easier than you think, and most people appreciate being remembered and contacted.
A simple message like, “Hey, I was thinking of you today. How are things?” goes a long way.
A major reason friendships fade is simple. We get busy, and we forget to reach out.
Birthdays slip by. Weeks disappear. Conversations blur together. It's not about lack of care, it's the weight of life admin.
If you’re struggling to make or maintain friends, there’s nothing “wrong” with you. Friendships require time, attention, and intention. But the rewards are worth the effort.
Start small: send one message. Make one plan to meet up. Reconnect with one person.
Friendship isn’t effortless, and that’s okay. Your friendship future starts with one moment of courage.
If you’re trying to be more intentional with your friendships, SoonCall can help you. The app lets you:
Track when you last spoke to someone.
Set reminders to get in touch.
Keep notes on what you talked about, so your conversations are more connected and thoughtful.
Maintain consistency - even when life is hectic!
SoonCall can’t create friendships for you, but it can help you show up and be more present.
Our mobile app is now available on iOS! Scan the QR code, or visit the App Store to download.
